Category Archives: Musings

Why am I here? What are we doing? Are we crazy or brilliant?



Louis CK – Live at The Beacon Theater HD – YouTube.

Any fan of Louis CK is bound to recognize this word. If you don’t and worse still, if you don’t know Louis, you should. Above is a link to the video, believies comes up around 6 minute mark. This is for adults, if you can’t handle the real world, with real concepts and language then don’t watch.

So go ahead and watch then come back .. I’ll wait.


At this point I wonder, how many actually watched this and how many “got it”.  Of course that is entirely subjective and judgmental and that is something I try not to be.  Yeah, a believie.  When I first saw this and heard Lewis say these words, I felt like a brick had hit me upside the head.  I’m sure that would make him grin.

I believe it .. but I’m not going to do it.

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them. 

They are just my beliefs, I just like believing them. 

They are my little believies! They make me feel good about who I am!

But if they get in the way of what I want – fuck that – I do what I want!

Rather than take it literally, I think I get it.  That we must inwardly challenge our beliefs if we want to be authentic people.  If we don’t really want to be, if we want to feel the pleasant feelings of our believies then we should and not feel bad about it.  If we want to live in a balance then we should really do it and have the guts to at least acknowledge our believies.

One thing I say I hate is hypocrisy.   Yet if I were really honest with myself, many times I am just feeling a believie but completely unprepared to do anything about it. To have that manifest in how I live my life.   If asked why, I’d probably say “I don’t know”.  But I would .. down deep ..  that’s work .. that’s scary .. perhaps I can’t do it .. perhaps there is nothing to this ..

People like Louis CK and George Carin are great gifts to us.  They help us see the absurdity of us in glaring, up-close, truth of what we do.  As humans and as societies and cultures.  They challenge beliefs with hard observations and challenges that most of us haven’t the guts to.  Yet we must want to at least a little or they wouldn’t be so popular. George Carlin was a legend in his own time and his words will be quoted forever.

I love these moments of synchronicity that appear throughout life, that take us farther on the journey of experience.   These moments add to all the others, making me who I am, making you who you are.

So the question is, how much can we take our believies and make them authentic? How can we make them take form in our lives?  Give us actions to do.  Step by step, choice by choice  …. each moment is ready to be that.

Life is fucking brilliant, I am much in favor of it.


What’s been happening!


In a nutshell?  Change!  Lots of changes, some of them very painful and some of them very joyful.

Personal, emotional and spiritual development has always been a big part of what I spend a lot of time thinking about, especially lately.  As I get older, I have had very specific and profound breakthroughs, like most people have.  Even if a person is only marginally able to self reflect, they still have these experiences throughout life.   I have always known that most of the time I only acknowledged the problem or challenge that I was facing, honestly and realistically I hope, but that I still rarely was able to act with any motivation to resolve it. A breakthrough in self-reflection is one thing, but it is not the change that should come from it.  This seems to be epidemic in our society.  I am not the only person who is stuck in that behavior or belief.  If this wasn’t true, we wouldn’t be doing all the mind-boggling things we do.

Don’t get me wrong, I have made great strides. I enjoy challenging myself, especially when it comes to really deeply personal issues.   One of the more positive has been in my continuing effort to honor and accept how others choose to live their lives.  Especially those that I love. It is selfish because I want them to do that for me.  I want them to love all of who I am, the weird person, the shy person, the naïve person, the sarcastic person.  That includes body image that ties into deeply intimate parts of who I am.   I had to have that in the person I share my life with and I do but I want it from all people who share in my life, all people who I love.  To have that I have to give it and I work hard to do that.  I get better everyday.

I always make it a point to check in with my intuition, rarely does it lie to me.  It had always told me that the key would be in the right tools.  This of course has meant a life long search for the tools that are best for me.  Perhaps it is a hit or miss kind of thing depending on when you learn about what philosophy or technique or belief system,.   I suspect it has just as much to do with my personal belief structure which is as unique as my fingerprint. Timing is everything? It doesn’t matter.  For me it had everything to do with my belief that wonderment and searching and exploring were what was important.

Much of what I looked at however was getting caught up in too much extraneous dressing or as a wise man has said, romance.  I felt like everything was just too much. Too many rules, too negative, too positive, too much ritual. Sure we are talking about big things here but for me all that had gotten in the way, it was my excuse for not doing the work that I knew I wanted to do.  I want to be a happy, healthy, joyful and fulfilled human being.  I want to be in every moment fully and have joy in it.  I also knew it wouldn’t be easy, it would be painful and I was fearful that in fact I couldn’t really achieve it. 

Lucky for me I did manage to find some tools that look like they very well might work for me.  I am already well on my path by reaching out and discovering permaculture and the hope that it has brought me in what human beings really can do with their lives, any of us can do.  The realization that as humans have destroyed much, we can, have and should heal and create much.  It would be easy and wonderful and wise if only we would just decide that was what we were going to do.

The other side of that is of course obvious and that is what I turn my back on because that is the status quot, that is violent, that is hard, that is meaningless to me, pointless.  Sure I will always be forced to participate somewhat in society or I will create too much chaos in my life but I can and have unplugged myself.  I will no longer try to fight that which I am powerless to change, it is only myself and my personal experience that I can change.

I have said to society that it saddens me that you think there is no other way, I don’t choose to believe that.  We will be over here trying something different, something beautiful and positive.  We have committed ourselves to these simple, basic ethics and we will patiently and eagerly wait for you if you change your mind.  We will then happily show you what we have done, how we have done it and invite you to join us, to make your contribution.  We will continue to try to motivate and encourage others to do the same by having the experience, of showing by action and result that it is possible.

A recent addition to my tools is the ancient Hawaiian Huna spiritual practices.  I am just learning about this myself, motivated to do so in the hopes of sharing in the experiences that my love is having at his permaculture internship in Hawaii. As any good geek chick, dedicated to self-education, a quick google search brought me to and I knew almost immediately that this was what I had been looking for.  Practical, simple, joyful, powerful, self guiding and motivating and deeply connected intimately to body and mind and spirit. It is also humble and kind and gentle.

If you are interested, give it a look.  I suggest the Articles section for short introductory articles about Huna and then a visit to their YouTube channel.  Huna Healing in three parts is not to be missed.   I am grateful to discover that I was right to listen to my intuition and not use the word Aloha until I truly understood what it meant.


Why Permaculture?


Why Permaculture?

I was updating a group of friends on a social network I’m a part of, mostly to explain why I had been absent from them so much. This is what I said.

We’ve been very busy trying to find work and figure things out. Can we say fun? Not really. I described it to my honey as a constant low-grade fear and helplessness. Not only for what’s going on for us but the entire world! Some of the things going on make me really wonder what the hell we are thinking!? Being a generally happy person by nature, this does not suit.

So a few things happened that I won’t go into but we decided that no matter what, together, we were going to find a place and take care of ourselves. Off the grid, homesteading, whatever term you want to call it. Specifically we are going to create a permaculture food forest and live there. Look up Permaculture, tons of information online, most freely available. I found it that way and the fact that it completely answered my need for science and fact and results with connection to nature, self and community, meant that it was something I could really embrace. Don’t take my word for it, here’s the wiki just so you know what I’m going gaga over

So to prove to our loved ones (and ourselves) that we are not crazy, honey is immediately going to go to an intensive permaculture course and after that perhaps some work/internships. I have to stay here for some freakin’ dental work and pay for it so that’s what i’ll do, at the same time I plan to also take some courses. I hope to get a job in some type of agriculture. There are lots of organic farms and wineries etc around here so I should be able to find something! In other words, actionable steps towards what we want.

Being flexible, easy-going people and old enough to know the value of being open to what the universe provides, we are very hopeful. Lots of options to be open to and lots of things that we might do, places to go. We have some basic criteria that we have already used to evaluate areas where we might do this and have a good chance of success. A good skill to exercise since it will be so vital to the actual detailed planning that will be required once we do know where where is! We’ve got lots of research done already and tons more to do. It is a good thing that I am finding out how fascinating soil is!

I will share one huge conclusion that I have made so far. That if everyone learned even a few of these principles and applied them, and many people do I’m sure (Brigit comes to mind!) we’d have a much better chance of not just surviving day to day but thriving and at the same time improving the chances of our turning things around. The oil will not last forever, the way we grow and distribute food cannot be sustained, nor should it be. It is no longer food. Our planet is suffering and we can stop it, we can help, each of us can make a difference. I’ve never really believed that before now.

Our planet is suffering and we can stop it, we can help, each of us can make a difference. I’ve never really believed that before now.

Knowing that unsustainable growth is our doom and that most refuse to see this clear, basic fact is a hard pill for many to swallow. Feeling totally helpless and sometimes horribly guilty despite our humble attempts to do otherwise, is not what I want to feel.  I want joy.  For me, my love, my family and friends, for the world.   The video below has been an eye-opening confirmation of this new hope.   Seeing the image of a totally decimated valley in China suddenly become a green, fertile  abundant place was utterly astounding.  To know it had happened within just a few years.  To see the same done in a village in Africa, to see them create water!  Learning that instead of fearing the population explosion, use the population to reclaim and rejuvenate the earth and in turn give those people destiny over their own lives.

John D. Lui emphasize the importance of large-scale projects and that those are the key to turning global climate change around, I completely agree.  If we do not, we are certainly doomed. I know that he would agree that each of us can help in that process knowing that so many of us are not equipped to work on that scale.  That it is just as important to preserve our communities large and small while still applying these principles.  Towns and cities have an enormous variety of new technologies and ideas being implemented all over the world to do just that.  If there is a new paradigm of society once the oil runs out, this is the one I hope we achieve.  One where the huge advances we have made in science and technology can join in the circle of our ecosystem, have their place without displacing the rest.  Putting these ideas into the minds of the general public by seeing it in action, large-scale and small is a vital step.

This video may change your life.  Hope you enjoy it!